plain truth.

so...the wheels are turning. i notified my apt complex that i'm moving out and i'm going saturday to apply for the new place. i created this highly dorky excel file that will help me keep a running tab on my money...including deposits and spending. it makes me feel much better :) hopefully this is the start of a brighter, better-managed, financial future.

as for the real reason i'm writing this evening...i just finished re-reading one of the books by my favorite author, jodi picoult. i can't explain the relationship between the main character and samuel, her amish "boyfriend". if you want to know, read the book. if you've read the book, this post should make a lot of sense.

i CRAVE that kind of love. the kind of love that builds over time, that is built upon trust, honesty, maturity. the kind that forgives and is patient. the quiet, strong, fortified love that cannot be shaken. the kind of love that manifests itself in silent action - not just spoken words. one of my favorite quotes is "your actions speak so loudly that i cannot hear what you are saying". truth. i just wish it were this way.

i know it seems silly, for a 20-something to be saying this, but i feel like i will never find what i'm looking for. i AM picky. i AM critical. but i would much rather be this and single than not picky and in a completely unsatisfying relationship. i want to believe that this guy exists, somewhere, and at some point in the future. the more time passes, the more firmly i believe that it's not just who you're dating, but when you're dating the person. while i do not set my eyes upon marriage as the ultimate goal (because what good is a marriage if it's just for the title, when your significant other is a compromise of what you want?) i take my relationships and my feelings seriously. i don't do flings. i crush, but i know better than to let something wholly wrong for me go on too long.

and then there are the days when i think, "there are so many bigger issues that need dealt with first. let it go."

love,
your 20-something