money.

i find it ironic that i have a finance degree and i hate money.

its terrible...how some people seem to have more than others (even if they don't lift a finger for it...cough-paris hilton-cough) and how some people who work hard don't seem to make enough. i hate that feeling after i make a big purchase, as though somehow i've made a mistake. i hate spending money, because it means that instead of watching a bank account rise, i'm watching it fall. it all sucks, honestly. i'm pretty bad at money managing and budgeting, but i swear i'm going to get better at it.

the reason i bring this up is because of this: i had plans to go out of town this weekend to visit family, but i'm about $20 bucks short of rent. silly, isn't it? so instead, i'll be slaving away at the restaurant this weekend. in addition, i'm terminating my lease early at my current apartment, which then requires me to pay a two-month rent penalty fee. aggravating. my rent is going to increase, too. the place i'm moving is about $200 more a month. i can definitely make it happen, but i have to make serious, serious adjustments to my lifestyle. i want my own place, for a change. roommates at this age just don't go over well. i'm a twenty something with a fabulous degree and can't find a job. i've lost more than a couple of thousand in my mutual fund because the economy sucks and i'm worried...how long will this recession last? will i have enough left over in the account for the upswing (whenever it happens) to make a big difference?

yeah, i hate money. not to say that i'm not grateful for what i already have...i make decent money at the restaurant...and have never, ever had a problem with paying my bills. it's just that...i can't seem to budget well enough. so maybe hating money isn't the problem? maybe it's that i can't manage my spending? maybe it's time to take a serious look at the way money flows out of my pockets.

i have this idea...every time i come home from a shift (and hopefully, in the future, whenever i bring home a paycheck)...set aside a certain amount of money and let it collect over the course of a year. at the end of the year, i want to take the money and give it to someone who needs it. i'm not talking about someone on the far side of the world, although i might do that, too. i'm talking about the people that i know...the kitchen guy who works 3 jobs to pay for his wife's medical expenses, with a couple of kids at home. my friend who struggles to make ends meet throughout the semester. whatever my little heart wants, you know?

and then, because i'm an organizational freak, i want to keep tabs on my expenses. there are the fixed variety (rent, phone, electric, student loans, etc) and then the variable. i can't tell you how much i spend on eating out each month. it's probably a very, very disturbing amount.

i have to start saving. eeks.