funny how something can stay buried just underneath the surface of consciousness and then, with no provocation, it reappears (usually unwelcome). that's how i feel tonight, about him.

this "him" isn't the ideal guy that i was talking about in my previous post...this "him" is actually a recent ex. let's call him "C". i drove by where he worked tonight, but he wasn't there. there wasn't a rush of memories, but enough to make my heart squeeze. then i did something really stupid...drove by his apartment. and that's when the thoughts started coming.

like...where was his motorcycle? had he sold it, like he said he would come october? or was he out on a ride? (doubtful, given that it's about 45 degrees out). or worse...was there another girl curled up on the couch, watching a movie? or curled up in bed, safe in warm arms, laughing at his playfulness? it all sounds so pathetic...but i can't help but feel slightly wounded. the way it worked out - it was to my benefit, because his 6th grade reasoning didn't sit well with me. ("i don't know how we'd work as a couple - we listen to different music, you don't like tv or watch a lot of movies") anyone can tell you that these reasons are a cover up for some other reason - which makes me feel like a freak. what's wrong with me?! was the real reason so bad? i flat-out told him to tell me the honest truth, no matter how hurtful he thought it might be. after a few more texts from me, pleading with him to tell the truth, he stopped replying. i haven't heard from him or seen him in a month and a half. lame, i know...but it was the first guy that i've fallen for since D (thought we were getting married...haha i'm so naive!)

i guess what i want is something to work with. all those crap reasons C gave me aren't the truth...even if he doesn't necessarily know exactly why he doesn't want to be with me. D did the same thing...broke my heart after 8 months with absolutely NO forewarning. And without a solid reason...just that he felt that a certain Higher Power didn't want him to be in the relationship anymore. Coward. it's a bunch of bullshit. so, i keep getting dumped without any solid reasoning...leaving me to think there's something terribly wrong with me.

on a lighter note...i get to wear jeans to work tomorrow. hip hip hooray!

happy halloween :)

loves.