funny how something can stay buried just underneath the surface of consciousness and then, with no provocation, it reappears (usually unwelcome). that's how i feel tonight, about him.
this "him" isn't the ideal guy that i was talking about in my previous post...this "him" is actually a recent ex. let's call him "C". i drove by where he worked tonight, but he wasn't there. there wasn't a rush of memories, but enough to make my heart squeeze. then i did something really stupid...drove by his apartment. and that's when the thoughts started coming.
like...where was his motorcycle? had he sold it, like he said he would come october? or was he out on a ride? (doubtful, given that it's about 45 degrees out). or worse...was there another girl curled up on the couch, watching a movie? or curled up in bed, safe in warm arms, laughing at his playfulness? it all sounds so pathetic...but i can't help but feel slightly wounded. the way it worked out - it was to my benefit, because his 6th grade reasoning didn't sit well with me. ("i don't know how we'd work as a couple - we listen to different music, you don't like tv or watch a lot of movies") anyone can tell you that these reasons are a cover up for some other reason - which makes me feel like a freak. what's wrong with me?! was the real reason so bad? i flat-out told him to tell me the honest truth, no matter how hurtful he thought it might be. after a few more texts from me, pleading with him to tell the truth, he stopped replying. i haven't heard from him or seen him in a month and a half. lame, i know...but it was the first guy that i've fallen for since D (thought we were getting married...haha i'm so naive!)
i guess what i want is something to work with. all those crap reasons C gave me aren't the truth...even if he doesn't necessarily know exactly why he doesn't want to be with me. D did the same thing...broke my heart after 8 months with absolutely NO forewarning. And without a solid reason...just that he felt that a certain Higher Power didn't want him to be in the relationship anymore. Coward. it's a bunch of bullshit. so, i keep getting dumped without any solid reasoning...leaving me to think there's something terribly wrong with me.
on a lighter note...i get to wear jeans to work tomorrow. hip hip hooray!
happy halloween :)
loves.
October 30, 2008
October 29, 2008
plain truth.
so...the wheels are turning. i notified my apt complex that i'm moving out and i'm going saturday to apply for the new place. i created this highly dorky excel file that will help me keep a running tab on my money...including deposits and spending. it makes me feel much better :) hopefully this is the start of a brighter, better-managed, financial future.
as for the real reason i'm writing this evening...i just finished re-reading one of the books by my favorite author, jodi picoult. i can't explain the relationship between the main character and samuel, her amish "boyfriend". if you want to know, read the book. if you've read the book, this post should make a lot of sense.
i CRAVE that kind of love. the kind of love that builds over time, that is built upon trust, honesty, maturity. the kind that forgives and is patient. the quiet, strong, fortified love that cannot be shaken. the kind of love that manifests itself in silent action - not just spoken words. one of my favorite quotes is "your actions speak so loudly that i cannot hear what you are saying". truth. i just wish it were this way.
i know it seems silly, for a 20-something to be saying this, but i feel like i will never find what i'm looking for. i AM picky. i AM critical. but i would much rather be this and single than not picky and in a completely unsatisfying relationship. i want to believe that this guy exists, somewhere, and at some point in the future. the more time passes, the more firmly i believe that it's not just who you're dating, but when you're dating the person. while i do not set my eyes upon marriage as the ultimate goal (because what good is a marriage if it's just for the title, when your significant other is a compromise of what you want?) i take my relationships and my feelings seriously. i don't do flings. i crush, but i know better than to let something wholly wrong for me go on too long.
and then there are the days when i think, "there are so many bigger issues that need dealt with first. let it go."
love,
your 20-something
as for the real reason i'm writing this evening...i just finished re-reading one of the books by my favorite author, jodi picoult. i can't explain the relationship between the main character and samuel, her amish "boyfriend". if you want to know, read the book. if you've read the book, this post should make a lot of sense.
i CRAVE that kind of love. the kind of love that builds over time, that is built upon trust, honesty, maturity. the kind that forgives and is patient. the quiet, strong, fortified love that cannot be shaken. the kind of love that manifests itself in silent action - not just spoken words. one of my favorite quotes is "your actions speak so loudly that i cannot hear what you are saying". truth. i just wish it were this way.
i know it seems silly, for a 20-something to be saying this, but i feel like i will never find what i'm looking for. i AM picky. i AM critical. but i would much rather be this and single than not picky and in a completely unsatisfying relationship. i want to believe that this guy exists, somewhere, and at some point in the future. the more time passes, the more firmly i believe that it's not just who you're dating, but when you're dating the person. while i do not set my eyes upon marriage as the ultimate goal (because what good is a marriage if it's just for the title, when your significant other is a compromise of what you want?) i take my relationships and my feelings seriously. i don't do flings. i crush, but i know better than to let something wholly wrong for me go on too long.
and then there are the days when i think, "there are so many bigger issues that need dealt with first. let it go."
love,
your 20-something
October 28, 2008
money.
i find it ironic that i have a finance degree and i hate money.
its terrible...how some people seem to have more than others (even if they don't lift a finger for it...cough-paris hilton-cough) and how some people who work hard don't seem to make enough. i hate that feeling after i make a big purchase, as though somehow i've made a mistake. i hate spending money, because it means that instead of watching a bank account rise, i'm watching it fall. it all sucks, honestly. i'm pretty bad at money managing and budgeting, but i swear i'm going to get better at it.
the reason i bring this up is because of this: i had plans to go out of town this weekend to visit family, but i'm about $20 bucks short of rent. silly, isn't it? so instead, i'll be slaving away at the restaurant this weekend. in addition, i'm terminating my lease early at my current apartment, which then requires me to pay a two-month rent penalty fee. aggravating. my rent is going to increase, too. the place i'm moving is about $200 more a month. i can definitely make it happen, but i have to make serious, serious adjustments to my lifestyle. i want my own place, for a change. roommates at this age just don't go over well. i'm a twenty something with a fabulous degree and can't find a job. i've lost more than a couple of thousand in my mutual fund because the economy sucks and i'm worried...how long will this recession last? will i have enough left over in the account for the upswing (whenever it happens) to make a big difference?
yeah, i hate money. not to say that i'm not grateful for what i already have...i make decent money at the restaurant...and have never, ever had a problem with paying my bills. it's just that...i can't seem to budget well enough. so maybe hating money isn't the problem? maybe it's that i can't manage my spending? maybe it's time to take a serious look at the way money flows out of my pockets.
i have this idea...every time i come home from a shift (and hopefully, in the future, whenever i bring home a paycheck)...set aside a certain amount of money and let it collect over the course of a year. at the end of the year, i want to take the money and give it to someone who needs it. i'm not talking about someone on the far side of the world, although i might do that, too. i'm talking about the people that i know...the kitchen guy who works 3 jobs to pay for his wife's medical expenses, with a couple of kids at home. my friend who struggles to make ends meet throughout the semester. whatever my little heart wants, you know?
and then, because i'm an organizational freak, i want to keep tabs on my expenses. there are the fixed variety (rent, phone, electric, student loans, etc) and then the variable. i can't tell you how much i spend on eating out each month. it's probably a very, very disturbing amount.
i have to start saving. eeks.
its terrible...how some people seem to have more than others (even if they don't lift a finger for it...cough-paris hilton-cough) and how some people who work hard don't seem to make enough. i hate that feeling after i make a big purchase, as though somehow i've made a mistake. i hate spending money, because it means that instead of watching a bank account rise, i'm watching it fall. it all sucks, honestly. i'm pretty bad at money managing and budgeting, but i swear i'm going to get better at it.
the reason i bring this up is because of this: i had plans to go out of town this weekend to visit family, but i'm about $20 bucks short of rent. silly, isn't it? so instead, i'll be slaving away at the restaurant this weekend. in addition, i'm terminating my lease early at my current apartment, which then requires me to pay a two-month rent penalty fee. aggravating. my rent is going to increase, too. the place i'm moving is about $200 more a month. i can definitely make it happen, but i have to make serious, serious adjustments to my lifestyle. i want my own place, for a change. roommates at this age just don't go over well. i'm a twenty something with a fabulous degree and can't find a job. i've lost more than a couple of thousand in my mutual fund because the economy sucks and i'm worried...how long will this recession last? will i have enough left over in the account for the upswing (whenever it happens) to make a big difference?
yeah, i hate money. not to say that i'm not grateful for what i already have...i make decent money at the restaurant...and have never, ever had a problem with paying my bills. it's just that...i can't seem to budget well enough. so maybe hating money isn't the problem? maybe it's that i can't manage my spending? maybe it's time to take a serious look at the way money flows out of my pockets.
i have this idea...every time i come home from a shift (and hopefully, in the future, whenever i bring home a paycheck)...set aside a certain amount of money and let it collect over the course of a year. at the end of the year, i want to take the money and give it to someone who needs it. i'm not talking about someone on the far side of the world, although i might do that, too. i'm talking about the people that i know...the kitchen guy who works 3 jobs to pay for his wife's medical expenses, with a couple of kids at home. my friend who struggles to make ends meet throughout the semester. whatever my little heart wants, you know?
and then, because i'm an organizational freak, i want to keep tabs on my expenses. there are the fixed variety (rent, phone, electric, student loans, etc) and then the variable. i can't tell you how much i spend on eating out each month. it's probably a very, very disturbing amount.
i have to start saving. eeks.
October 27, 2008
hello, cruel world!
kidding. the world isn't cruel.
so...i'm your average 20 something. i don't have anything profound to say and i'm not extraordinary. i'm just your everyday girl-next-door. i intend to keep specifics out of the blog...it seems anonymity has a curious beauty. i gave up journaling a long time ago, but every so often, i need to vent. and not just about heavy things...but about lighter issues, too. amazing what the written word can do to cool a tongue and help heal a heart. or, provide comedic relief. and so...my blog is born.
what else to do with the pilot entry but a little "about me" section? (fuzzy enough, of course, to maintain obscurity.)
the basics:
i'm a female 20-something
i'm not a millionaire
i'm a recent college grad (hence, not a millionaire)
i'm single
i'm ordinary in almost every way (funny how this is not as disappointing as it might seem)
and there it is. seems scant, but there will be details along the way. i just need a place to write...get it all out of my system. so that it won't show up later in my interactions with other people...which we all know just causes problems.
loves :)
20something...
so...i'm your average 20 something. i don't have anything profound to say and i'm not extraordinary. i'm just your everyday girl-next-door. i intend to keep specifics out of the blog...it seems anonymity has a curious beauty. i gave up journaling a long time ago, but every so often, i need to vent. and not just about heavy things...but about lighter issues, too. amazing what the written word can do to cool a tongue and help heal a heart. or, provide comedic relief. and so...my blog is born.
what else to do with the pilot entry but a little "about me" section? (fuzzy enough, of course, to maintain obscurity.)
the basics:
i'm a female 20-something
i'm not a millionaire
i'm a recent college grad (hence, not a millionaire)
i'm single
i'm ordinary in almost every way (funny how this is not as disappointing as it might seem)
and there it is. seems scant, but there will be details along the way. i just need a place to write...get it all out of my system. so that it won't show up later in my interactions with other people...which we all know just causes problems.
loves :)
20something...
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